Saturday, May 21, 2011

No Rapture. I'm unpleasantly surprised.

No Rapture.  No firey rain.   No true believers hurtling skyward.  This is a disappointing moment for me.  I had a conversation with Kat this morning about the whole thing; I believe at one point I accidentally insinuated that God could possibly be the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland.  These are among the reasons that I won't be making that northward trip to Heaven anytime soon.  As far as I'm concerned, the only person who is going to disappear because of this Rapture bullshit is the guy who predicted it: Harold Camping.  Because if I was responsible for mass religious hysteria, including (but not limited to) entire families relocating, parents quitting jobs to spread the Rapture "message," emptying bank accounts, retirement savings, college funds, etc. to fund all this "message spreading," and the general malaise of religious society, I'd be hopping my happy ass into a fast car come 6:01pm and driving as far away from civilization as is humanly possible.  As of right now, his website is mysteriously down and all his radio station is playing is "I love God" music, so I'm thinking that when New Zealand made it into tomorrow with nary an earthquake, tsunami, or the sudden manifestation of The AntiChrist, good old Harold probably took off before his hordes of angry Christian crackpots descended upon him.  Good riddance.  I'm tired of all of these Doomsday theories popping up; yes, I understand that they usually crop up when the economy is down and people are losing faith, therefore more likely to be picked up by a crazy radio preacher, but come on people.  Logic.  The Rapture is as likely to happen as the world is to end on December 21, 2012.  I studied under and worked with one of the nation's most respected Central American anthropologists, and he (of anyone) should have been able to answer the all-consuming question of 2012 - and he, a man who can translate both Mayan and Aztec, who has dedicated his life to the study of those cultures, thought the whole thing was a piece of crap.  So sit tight, worldwide population of conspiracy theorists, the world is not ending any time soon.

My Mom totally bought into this crap too.  I had to explain to her that, no, she was not going to be levitating up to Heaven today at 6pm, no matter how good of a Catholic she claims to be.  In fact, I don't personally know of anyone who would qualify for Rapture participation.  Perhaps my Great-Aunt Sister Sue (she's a nun) and my grandfather's two sisters, who spend their every waking moment in church.  Maybe my crazy grandpa, but not likely.  Definitely not my asshole Uncle Bill or his pyromaniac sons, or my Aunt Sharon living in sin with her weird boyfriend Paul.  Come to think of it, definitely not my Aunt Dianne and my Uncle Angelo either, considering they're both adulterers.  And hell-to-the-no for me and Dave.  We've been living in sin so long we practically invented it.  Ah well, I have plans for next weekend anyway.

Wedding next weekend up in Pennsylvania.  We're gonna be in Amish country Thursday and Friday, then we're heading west to my hometown to visit my family, considering I haven't been to see them since Thanksgiving.  So we're seeing the Hangover 2 Saturday night with my brother, and spending Sunday with the extended family at our yearly Memorial Day picnic.  Which is catered.  Because my Uncle Angelo cannot grill hotdogs and burgers to save his life.  We're stopping off in State College on the way to be nostalgic - can't believe we graduated five years ago.  Somehow it doesn't seem as long, but then again we did live in the gaping maw of hell for eighteen months immediately after graduation...

I'm working today, watching the clock tick ever closer to the end game.  Somehow the fact that I'm practically solipsistic doesn't really terrify me as much as it should; I don't really think I fit in with the "Heaven crowd" anyway.  Something about my anthropological training and diploma from a democratic research university just tells me that I'd be the odd man out.  However, I am looking forward to the "new economy" led by the AntiChrist.  I find it refreshing that to participate, we must tattoo the "mark of the beast" on our bodies.  I'm going to get mine on my left hand and try to convince everyone it isn't really "666," it's "999" and I'm just fresh like that.  And I'm looking forward to being blindsided by the Heavenly body 'Wormwood,' as logic tells me that absinthe will be readily available.  It should be a fun few months without all the Bible-thumpers and Jesus freaks around, but I'm a little concerned about what actually happens on October 21st.  Yes, I get that the armies of good and evil are going to fight the end battle, but is this a draft thing?  If your number gets called, are you just thrown into the infantry?  And really, if that's the case, I'm glad I'm not going up in the Rapture, because I figure God's a little more organized than Satan and He's gonna have everyone who shows up at 6pm hurried into formation to practice and gain some skills.  Satan, however, has to spend the next couple of months flying about creating mayhem and destruction and unleashing torment on our eternal souls.  He's not going to have time to organize an army, and his minions certainly aren't known for following orders and setting up his military forces.  I figure that on October 20th, Satan's going to be saying, "Oh shit, someone get me an army!" and then we're gonna get fitted up.  Until then, I figure if you can stay under his radar, we've got some good drinking and partying time left.

I don't know.  Some people are just gullible about this religious crap, I guess.  I mean, to each his own, but when you're coming at me spewing crazy stories and illogical ideas and condemning me for my disbelief, I get a little on edge.  I don't force any of my viewpoints on you, please extend the same consideration to me.  And yes, I know that I'm wrong and you're right, but guess what?  I'm right and you're wrong.  It works both ways.  And don't try to debate religion with me: I majored in Biological and Cultural Anthropology with minors in English, Religion, and Psychology.  I've read the Bible, the Torah, the Mahabharata, the Ramayana, the Book of the Dead, the Qur'an, and Harry Potter.  If you try to debate me, you will lose.  I can almost guarantee you.  All of my friends have attempted this at least once, and I shot them all down.  I know my creation myths, from the Aztecs to the native peoples of Papua New Guinea; I know my pantheon of gods; I know the differences between theisms; hell, I can explain to you what Gnosticism is, for Christ's sake.  I'm a reformed Roman Catholic, so don't you dare throw the Catechism in my face.  I've been baptized, reconciled, and confirmed.  I've turned my back on the dogma, but I know my dogma.  So don't try it.  You have been warned.

Now, seeing as how the world is unlikely to end, I need to go and find someone to rent a two-bedroom, so that come Monday my boss doesn't rapture me into finding a new job.