Monday, May 23, 2011

The Cast

It just occurred to me that there are an awful lot of people I dislike and enjoy ranting about in my life, so in the spirit of full disclosure, I'm going to provide a cast list and update it as people show up in my writing.  If I'm missing someone, drop me a line and let me know I've dropped the ball.

My Household
David  This would be my boyfriend of nearly seven years.  We interchangeably refer to each other as fiances as well, since at this point the marriage is imminent even if I don't have a ring.  We met at college, began as friends, and then one drunken, drug-influenced night we ended up making out while waiting in line for pizza.  We've been together (through a lot of good and some really really bad) for a good long time, and aren't splitting up any time soon.  He drives me insane but keeps me grounded.  Also, he's great for doing the things I hate (like changing lightbulbs and unloading the dish washer).
Morrison  Dog #1.  Mommy's dog.  Half Shih-tzu and half Bichon Frise, she's all black and all attitude.  We picked her up in May of 2008 when she was the size of a baked potato.  Now she's the size of a large cat, and can leap over 36" baby gates with ease, which means she cannot be confined anywhere unless she's behind closed doors.  Dog #2 in age in my entire family, as we (my Mom and I) own four dogs, all full sisters.  Her older sister, Moose, lives with my Mom and looks like Morrie's twin.
Cobain  Dog #2 for me, dog #3 or #4 in the line-up (Mom's #2 is Cobain's littermate Panda.  Because she's black and white.  Mom's real original.).  Coby is as dumb as Morrie is smart.  This one is entirely the responsibility of Dave.  This is our chewer.  She has eaten my heels, my flip-flops, my favourite book, my couch, our stair bannister, the carpet in six, SIX, different places, and all the molding in my downstairs bathroom.  She can also clear the baby gates (what once was a party trick we're now regretting encouraging), so anytime we leave the house, Coby has to be kenneled. 

My Family (Back in PA - and STAY there!)
Mom  My mom drives me insane.  She's hypocritical, the most double-standard driven person I know, and extremely judgmental.  She's also ready to jump on a plane the second I'm sick, always welcoming to us when we go home to visit, and totally accepting (sometimes) of my relationship.  I love her some days, can't stand her others, and sometimes want to rip her hair out, but she's my mom and the person who put herself last to raise me and my little brother, so I'd do anything for her.  She's also the first person to come to my defense... and the first person to attack me, but what're you gonna do?
Tom  Step-dad.  He hates me.  Literally hates me.  Ignores me, refuses to speak to me, when he does it's in one-to-two word phrases, and he takes advantage of my mom to the point that I want to murder him.  His father and grandfather were big, important business men in our town, but he and his brother have turned an 11-store company into a one store company since they've owned the thing.  He owns the house he was born in, has never moved, and has two older daughters from an earlier marriage.  I cannot stand him.  He acts like the goddamn king of our hometown, and he's soooooooo goddamn annoying.  I avoid him like the plague.
Jason  Little brother.  Graduated from college and didn't move 1,000 miles away from home like I did.  Does sports marketing for his alma mater an hour away from home.  Mom likes to clean his apartment, take him groceries, go to games he's announcing, give him money, etc.  I do not get the same courtesy.  But that's mom and her double-standards.  He can be a little asshole, he also treats our mom like crap and takes advantage of her, but deep down I think he's got a good heart.  Somewhere.
Grandparents  My grandpa (92) is insane and thinks that he's stuck in the 1940s during WWII.  Apparently last week Hitler was in his living room.  We think it's because he's blind and very hard of hearing, and my mom/her sisters have given him all these WWII books on tape and records of 40s songs, and that's all he sits around and listens to all winter.  He's also convinced my grandmother (89) is having an affair.  She's batshit crazy too and giggles constantly.  She also writes down the PA lottery numbers every night... but doesn't play the lottery.  She seriously has little notebooks of lottery numbers going back to the invention of television.  I kid you not.  Every so often I'll call and ask, "what were the numbers June 17, 1972?"  And it takes her a few minutes, but she always comes back with, "The Pick 3 was 9-2-17, the Pick 4 was 10-32-24-45..."  It's insane.
Uncle BJ  Used to be a six-figure salary medical salesman in the tri-state region, now he's unmarried, a drunk, hits on girls my age, spends all his time with his son who does nothing but drink and party (and is only 2 months younger than me and just graduated community college - I've been out of school since 2006 and have since lived in PA, NC, and VA, taught elementary school for four years, and now work in real estate.  Not to sound cocky, but I think not being drunk in a boat the entire time I was in school maybe helped?), and fills vending machines for a living.
Uncle Tommy&Aunt Patty&Jackie  Uncle, aunt, 18yr old female cousin.  Uncle is the consummate nice guy, aunt is the biggest know-it-all unemployed bitch in the family, cousin is cute little freshman coed on her college cheerleading squad.
Uncle Danny&Aunt Leslie&Daniel&Austin  Uncle, aunt, 19yr old and 17yr old male cousin.  Uncle is the biggest know-it-all bastard in the family, aunt has a really great disappearing act (Dave didn't meet her until we'd been together four years), cousin #1 attends Dave and my alma mater and gave up a promising pitching career to become a male cheerleader (no, he's not gay.  He actually called and asked if he'd get more financial aid (yes), if I thought his dad would be angry (yes), and if he'd get more ass (yes)) so he went for it.  I say go Daniel!  Cousin #2 is heading off to the same school, but he will be joining the baseball team as a catcher.
Aunt Dianne&Uncle Angelo&Annie&Randoms  Aunt, uncle, 16yr old female cousin, randoms.  Aunt is an ex-fat girl who likes to talk about how cruel my mom was to her in high school (she did burn my aunt's favourite "cover up my flab" sweatshirt) and slut it up with her friends at expensive restaurants in the nearby cities, uncle is a principal turned lawyer who also likes to slut it up around town with his secretaries, Annie is an ex-fat girl who's super smart but way too attached to her mom and prefers the company of men to women.  The randoms are literally random people my aunt and uncle collect who are invited to everything they do.  The worst are Annie's nanny (yes.  At 16 my cousin has a nanny) and her husband and daughter.  The nanny looks like George Washington, the husband looks like he should be behind bars for molesting farm animals, and the daughter is a miserable old maid who owns 30 Pomeranians.  They will no doubt be at this party on Memorial Day and the husband will spend the day trying to look down my shirt.
The Great Aunts  Grandpa's two unmarried sisters.  There were three, but one passed away when I was in high school.  They've never married, and all live together and share chores.  Seriously.  One does the outdoors, one does the cooking, and one does the cleaning... except Outside Aunt died a few years back.  They're uber Roman Catholic and always asking if I'm maintaining my relationship with God.  Mom has made me keep my mouth shut these past few years, but if they ask this weekend at the picnic, I'm just gonna go ahead and tell them I'm living in sin with my boyfriend, have been for years, and no, I don't intend to get married in the Catholic church because I no longer consider myself Catholic.  I haven't in years.  Then we'll see what hits the fan.

Kat  I have known Kat since sophomore year in high school.  We are frenemies who are pretty much just friends now.  She still lives in my hometown, hates her job, hates being single, hates having no money, and is freaked out that her parents are going to evict her and she'll be left with no where to go.  Two or three years back she had a great boyfriend, was really happy, and had a great apartment with him, but she has commitment and personal space issues and that all fell apart.  I'd like to help her more, but I don't know how.
Erin  Also known since sophomore year in high school.  She had some serious control problems throughout high school, which led to four years at a super religious college which turned her into a complete nut bar.  She once suggested that if I didn't accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, I would never see my father again, as I would go to hell.  I took that opportunity to inform her that my dad said he talked to "God" in the forest among the animals and trees, and that it was unlikely my beatnik dad was a Bible-thumper at heart.  She's gotten much better the past few years, and is nearly what I'd consider normal.  She lives in Seattle with her boyfriend.
Chellebelle  Michelle, best friend, collegiate partner-in-crime.  On my 21st, she humped a wall while screaming her roller-derby "chant" (we were never in roller derby - too small.  We just pretended).  She went to Mongolia after we graduated with the Peace Corps and bitchily didn't call me for like, three years when she got back.  But we're friends again, and she's dating the guy she nearly broke up with until I convinced her to give him a last chance.  She's crazy in love and I get thanked for it every time she calls me.  Makes me feel important.

Work People
FM  Former Manager.  Hired me in November, was promoted in December, left me in January.  She's a gossip, but always helps me out when I'm having a work-induced panic attack.  Source of all information both deep and dirty on our coworkers.
MM  My manager.  Inconsistent, creates double standards, never here, never helpful, leaves everything for me to do, and always needs me to give up my days off to cover for her.  I like her, but she drives me insane.  With ABD, pregnant with his child, at war with TPAA and PBM from GBW.
ABD  Adulterous Baby-Daddy.  Maintenance at GBW.  Formerly "just friends" with MM, now her baby daddy and roomie.  Just left his wife and child for MM.  Love interest of PBM.
PBM  PsychoBitch Manager.  Works at GBW, has already been threatened by Corporate for spreading rumors.  Loves ABD, hates MM, tries to break them up now that they're together all the time.  Very passive-aggressive stalker.
TPAA  Tiny Passive-Aggressive Assistant.  Sister-in-law to PBM.  Also a rumor spreader.  Very annoying.  Also threatened by Corporate for spreading untrue rumors about MM.
CM  Corporate Manager.  Cute but a bastard.  Reminds me of Seth McFarlane, as he used to be a comic.  Was on my team for the local builder's association olympics, in which we placed second due to my amazing genetic ability to throw a perfect spiral fifty yards, even with a torn rotator cuff (yes, it hurt the next day).  Used to like me, now thinks I'm a total fucktard.
CIL  Community Information Lady.  Don't really know what she does, but she's the one I have to send all the blank paperwork to that caused this fuckpile in the first place.  Always calls me and talks to me like I'm a fucking kindergartner trying to figure out how to not eat the paste.
MG  Our Maintenance Guy.  He's slow, refuses to take direction, and has worked here over thirty years, so he thinks he owns the place.  He does what I say, but that's because FM hired me and he loves FM.  Refuses to work a moment past 5pm.  I Nexteled him at 5:02pm about an apartment where the A/C was out and the temp was up to 81*, and he said he'd get to it the next day.
CL  Cleaning Lady.  Old as hell, slower than a turtle, always complaining, and never cleans the apartment properly when someone moves out.  Complains to MM about me because I have a tendency to leave soup in the fridge.  I try to avoid her.

That should be everyone.  If I've forgotten someone, let me know.  Otherwise, I'll add to it as we go.  Now, thank god Corporate hasn't called again today, cause I get to drop their mail (I WILL NOT FORGET) and go the hell home.  And since Dave worked yesterday since I wasn't gonna be home anyway, he gets to come home around 6pm tonight.  Yay, I'll get to see him! and maybe completely unruin my horrible, horrible day.  Oi.